What is with this line?

November 8, 2006

I am appalled!

Take your weakling hands from your ears. I know that the thundering boom you just heard sounded like the deathdrum beats of an invading horde of cement truck beasts, but it was merely my display of appallingness. Fear me not! It is a much more threatening force you need pee your pants about. Squeeze your eyeballs shut and clench your teeth as I name your true hellspawn mind raper. For you cannot bear its name!

That bald guy stared at me

Chipotle!

WWAAAHHH!!! You cringe! You shiver! You put your hands in your pants to see if the wetness you feel is sweat or if it is the ooze that crept from your bowels as you neared death from fear!

Incontinence!

Sucker punch! You did NOT see that coming. No! Kathong! Whack! Splat! Squiiiish. You are pooping uncontrollably with your eyes and nose and ears shut tight now, quivering in your office chair boo-hoo-hooing wishing you had a free hand to call your mommy on your Treo.

Yes…. I have you right where I want you now. In the palm of my hand, your juices flowing between my fingers onto the industrial carpet at my feet. Listen to me. I will soothe you into peaciness. There there. You pooped yourself before, remember? Remember that time? Just a second ago? Just kidding, I mean the time when you were a baby. It is alright. You were allowed to do it. There there.

Shhhhhh. So as I was saying. CHEE POTE LAY. Easy! Easy now. You need to hear this. How can you hear my whispers through your whimpers? Shush. You are cute when you grovel. Chipotle.

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I WAITED IN LINE TO GET A FUCKING BEEF FAJITA BURRITO WITH PINTO BEANS TODAY?

Where did you go? You were just in my palm. Just now. Now you are gone. Oh I see you. Under the overturned trash can. Oh man! All my kleenexes spilled everyplace! Oh. You cannot hear my searchings for you have passed out. Poor ittwle victim.

Well now that you cannot hear me for you have exhausted yourself in terrors, I will simply have to tell myself how long I waited in that long line at Chipotle for my free-range beef burrito with delicious extra-paid-for guacamole. Which was delicious. TOO LONG! That’s how long.

And I called ahead of time! I was in the super fast DSL (which does NOT stand for dick sucking lips much to my dismay) order area waiting for the delicious meal I ordered, when many of the walk-in do-anybody fleabags that came in when i did got their burritos before me. I pity me. I pity me.

You have made my horrifying blog Chipotle! I hope you are satisfied!


I have a confession!

October 18, 2006

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 I AM PLUCKY!  HEAR ME!

I must confess to one of your stupid gods! For I have sinned. Sinned in a way that would break the rules of any religion, flushing me down the allegorical toilet to stew amongst the poopoo caca and used tampons of the underworld.

Hear my confession AND DESPAIR!

Hear me and sing praises to my brave deception! Oh how I have gotten away with it for so long. Oh how clever and secrety I have been! Oh how innocents saught even the unused shoeboxes in their own closets for the perpetrator. Such an awful deed could be done by anyone, anyplace, no matter the size of the hiding spot. Look no further, for the guilty has come from the bowling bag up there on the top shelf that is never used! YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE BOWLING (metaphorically speaking of course, because I wasn’t really hiding in a bowling bag. You should know how stupid innocents are. Stupid.)!

It was me! I did it! See me stomp up and down atop a pile of burning tires clouding the sky over Newark, New Jersey with my megaphone blaring across the Hudson to New York City. See me peeing my confession into the melting snow atop the Swiss Alps, may your skiing season be ruined by the warmings of the globe. See me launch my own wireless satellite phone network broadcasting to all of your pitiful handheld devices with one ringtone and one wallpaper and one pix and one flix, and they all are screaming “IT WAS ME!”

I did it! You pitiful puppies! You sunken battleships! You dead iPods!

ME!

I confess! I confess! Do not forgive me for I do not care! Let your gods hear me, so that they know! When they wake up in the millenia morning and rub their giant eyes with their planetary meathooks, they will sigh with sadness knowing that they have let another soul sink into degradation. Poo on them. I am a black hole sucking on their southern hemisphere, plucking the hairs out and slurping up their favorite five minutes of alone time and peaceful escape given time to read Modern Cooking on the toilet. There is no peace! For I have done a bad thing.

I deleted those stupid chain letters! I did it! Nobody on my list, which includes my dentist, my dead mother, and the entire spam list from moveon.org, had good luck from those stupid letters!

The gods sent their goodness down in ones and zeros, hoping for forwards to bring enlightenment to the people. But I have deleted them! No luck for you!

What’s this? A quiz in my inbox? I SHALL ANSWER ALL OF YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS IRONICALLY! HA HA HA!

I AM BAD! FEAR ME!


Pay tribute to our dark master

October 12, 2006

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Plucky demands tribute!

Post some nice words to fluff Plucky’s ego and he may grant you a special gift.