Segway into a Segway, segway segway segway.

4 AM. Most people are dreaming of sugar plumbs or about getting a back rub by their long dead grandmother (what? Don’t tell me I am the only one who has theses dreams). Our great editor decides to call me with my next assignment, “Hey, I think it would be cool if you write something about the Segway. Ok, Bye!”

Just a personal note, I loathe the Segway. Maybe it’s because I have never had the opportunity to Segway joust, or the smug look on peoples faces when they cruise around seattle on one.

Not knowing much about the system, I went to the website. My eyes were drawn to the build your own Segway button. I clicked, and clicked some more, outfitting my puny accessory free Segway into an Off road Police Segway, with police lights and siren, a hard case, comfort mats, side cargo sports kit, and an off-board charger (whatever the hell that is) all for a total of $7,454.65!

A little bit of saliva dripped from my mouth when a vision of me riding my Segway down the streets of Seattle blasting Danger Zone from Top Gun danced around in my overactive imaginationtron 6000. I would have to paint teeth on it, and custom build a cow catcher for the front, and if I had enough time attach a harpoon gun to the side cargo sports kit to make it a true deathwagon, but according to the U.N. any vehicle operated by the Redouter will automatically be named (you guessed it) “Deathwagon 1”.

My next question is, “how fast do these motherfuckers go?”

Page 21 on their .PDF file states that I can get this puppy up to 12.5 Miles Per Hour, that’s 20 KPH for those of you who are living in a more civilized culture. That’s right, you can match the speed of someone running by simply leaning forward. I would have to figure out a way to add nitrus to the fucker and enter the Underground Segway Drag Racing Circuit.

The batteries will have to be upgraded as well, 24 miles per charge aint going to do shit, when I am chasing down evildoers and occasional prostitute down the street.

After all is said and done, I think my dreamway will cost around $15,000 and ten souls of Mormon babies. I’m sorry, but Plucky wont ride in anything that is not baptized in the tears and blood of Mormon babies. What Plucky wants, plucky gets.

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