I am appalled!
Take your weakling hands from your ears. I know that the thundering boom you just heard sounded like the deathdrum beats of an invading horde of cement truck beasts, but it was merely my display of appallingness. Fear me not! It is a much more threatening force you need pee your pants about. Squeeze your eyeballs shut and clench your teeth as I name your true hellspawn mind raper. For you cannot bear its name!
WWAAAHHH!!! You cringe! You shiver! You put your hands in your pants to see if the wetness you feel is sweat or if it is the ooze that crept from your bowels as you neared death from fear!
Sucker punch! You did NOT see that coming. No! Kathong! Whack! Splat! Squiiiish. You are pooping uncontrollably with your eyes and nose and ears shut tight now, quivering in your office chair boo-hoo-hooing wishing you had a free hand to call your mommy on your Treo.
Yes…. I have you right where I want you now. In the palm of my hand, your juices flowing between my fingers onto the industrial carpet at my feet. Listen to me. I will soothe you into peaciness. There there. You pooped yourself before, remember? Remember that time? Just a second ago? Just kidding, I mean the time when you were a baby. It is alright. You were allowed to do it. There there.
Shhhhhh. So as I was saying. CHEE POTE LAY. Easy! Easy now. You need to hear this. How can you hear my whispers through your whimpers? Shush. You are cute when you grovel. Chipotle.
DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I WAITED IN LINE TO GET A FUCKING BEEF FAJITA BURRITO WITH PINTO BEANS TODAY?
Where did you go? You were just in my palm. Just now. Now you are gone. Oh I see you. Under the overturned trash can. Oh man! All my kleenexes spilled everyplace! Oh. You cannot hear my searchings for you have passed out. Poor ittwle victim.
Well now that you cannot hear me for you have exhausted yourself in terrors, I will simply have to tell myself how long I waited in that long line at Chipotle for my free-range beef burrito with delicious extra-paid-for guacamole. Which was delicious. TOO LONG! That’s how long.
And I called ahead of time! I was in the super fast DSL (which does NOT stand for dick sucking lips much to my dismay) order area waiting for the delicious meal I ordered, when many of the walk-in do-anybody fleabags that came in when i did got their burritos before me. I pity me. I pity me.
You have made my horrifying blog Chipotle! I hope you are satisfied!