I AM PLUCKY! HEAR ME!
I must confess to one of your stupid gods! For I have sinned. Sinned in a way that would break the rules of any religion, flushing me down the allegorical toilet to stew amongst the poopoo caca and used tampons of the underworld.
Hear my confession AND DESPAIR!
Hear me and sing praises to my brave deception! Oh how I have gotten away with it for so long. Oh how clever and secrety I have been! Oh how innocents saught even the unused shoeboxes in their own closets for the perpetrator. Such an awful deed could be done by anyone, anyplace, no matter the size of the hiding spot. Look no further, for the guilty has come from the bowling bag up there on the top shelf that is never used! YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE BOWLING (metaphorically speaking of course, because I wasn’t really hiding in a bowling bag. You should know how stupid innocents are. Stupid.)!
It was me! I did it! See me stomp up and down atop a pile of burning tires clouding the sky over Newark, New Jersey with my megaphone blaring across the Hudson to New York City. See me peeing my confession into the melting snow atop the Swiss Alps, may your skiing season be ruined by the warmings of the globe. See me launch my own wireless satellite phone network broadcasting to all of your pitiful handheld devices with one ringtone and one wallpaper and one pix and one flix, and they all are screaming “IT WAS ME!”
I did it! You pitiful puppies! You sunken battleships! You dead iPods!
I confess! I confess! Do not forgive me for I do not care! Let your gods hear me, so that they know! When they wake up in the millenia morning and rub their giant eyes with their planetary meathooks, they will sigh with sadness knowing that they have let another soul sink into degradation. Poo on them. I am a black hole sucking on their southern hemisphere, plucking the hairs out and slurping up their favorite five minutes of alone time and peaceful escape given time to read Modern Cooking on the toilet. There is no peace! For I have done a bad thing.
I deleted those stupid chain letters! I did it! Nobody on my list, which includes my dentist, my dead mother, and the entire spam list from moveon.org, had good luck from those stupid letters!
The gods sent their goodness down in ones and zeros, hoping for forwards to bring enlightenment to the people. But I have deleted them! No luck for you!
What’s this? A quiz in my inbox? I SHALL ANSWER ALL OF YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS IRONICALLY! HA HA HA!
I AM BAD! FEAR ME!