Spam. Everyone connected to the Internet gets some form of it, be it from fake myspace friend requests to rare investment opportunities. My favorite Spam e-mails are the ones built out of random words thrown together. I feel that somehow the computers of the world are waking up, and this is how they are trying to communicate with us.

I would like to share with you some of my recent favorites:

Internicoxuh Wrote:

“Filthy farm sluts seducing Joung city boys
and asking them to ass f!?u ck raw +))

The ghosts that haunted you in New York or Pittsburgh will haunt you anywhere you go, because they’re your ghosts and the house they haunt is you. Unlike the smaller, circular camachs, this one was rectangular, and Jason reached and dived around the next corner before the angry horde could see where he had gone.
The only way to get that sum is by gambling! There was a loud guffaw from the counter.”

Some of the Spam e-mails remind me of a Parrot that only knows a few words, and then switches to jibberish, like this one from Archie Latham:

“Don’t mean to ruin your plansckgosrf
urethanefujitsusomnolentcircletexecrategalley
cholinesteraserespiratorimpudentelusivetycoonbellumligaturepaydaycadybigelow
impeachdebaseposteritysystemwidelopseed”

can you pick out all the words in that long sentence?

Hogie4513 would like to inform me that:

“chain saw around submarine pour freezing cold water on girl scout beyond”

My day job is calling me, so I will leave it with that. Please feel free to share some of your more ridiculous Spam in our comments section.

-r

Step 1: Empty out a shoebox

Step 2: Put $250.00 in box, tape box shut

Step 3: Bury in the front lawn.  If you do not have a front lawn, put box underneath kitchen sink.

Step 4: E-mail the location of the wii money to wiifairy@shsibae.com

Step 5: Between the day after you send the e-mail and the end of march, be on your best behaviour. If you were good you will find a wii under your pillow, if you were bad you will find nothing. So be good for goodness sake!

The Nintendo Wii: is it all that we here at SHSIBAE have been hyping it up to be? Yes. Do you need to get one? Yes. I could really leave this post at that, but I’ll indulge everyone by giving my impressions of it.

The setup of the Wii is extremely easy. I probably had mine up and running in about 10 minutes. Of course, this will vary for each individual due to accessbility of electrical sockets/RCA jacks and level of inebriation at the time of setup, etc. The stand the system itself sits on has a sleek look to it, and holds the Wii at a slight angle to show off its sexy CD slot which glows blue when you have new messages from Nintendo (this is assuming you get the Wii online on your home router) or when you first turn the system on. Even turning the system on can be impressive, as there is a handy on button on the Wii remote. I’ve always wanted a game console that I could turn on from a-far. This now leads me to the revolutionary remote/nunchuk controller.

Wireless, pearl white, and simple, the controller system is really what makes the Wii. It can sense what angle you’re holding it at, how fast you are moving it, and probably even how much fun you’re having while using it. If you’ve read other reviews/previews of the controller, it is true that you really need to use full ranges of motion when you use it to get the maximum amount of fun out of it. When you see Link do a full 360 sword swipe, you feel kind of lame just slightly moving the nunchuk attachment slightly back and forth. It is possible to do small motions with the controller and still get the same effects, but it’s not nearly as fun as pretending like you’re actually wielding a sword.

The games available for the Wii at the moment, I will admit, don’t present many exciting options (at least for me). However, this really doesn’t matter so much, as I have bought the last two Nintendo consoles solely for playing the newest Zelda game. The best games out for the Wii right now are Zelda: Twilight Princess, Splinter Cell: Double Agent, and Call of Duty 3. I’m a huge fan of the Zelda and Splinter Cell franchises and I must say, the Wii controller really changes things for these games. You really just have to play them for yourself to see.

The online features of the Wii, for the moment, are kind of lack-luster. Yes, it may be convenient to get your local weather forecast, but that’s why I have my computer. The “Mii” social networking component has the possiblity of getting interesting, but for the moment it’s kind of lame. I think that the crown jewel of the Wii’s online capabilities is the virtual console downloadable games. While there’s not many games available right now, the possibilites for expansion in this area are pretty big.

The trick to master before playing the Wii, of course, is to find one that you can purchase… availability is slim.

This list is a collaboration years in the making between the SHSIBAE forefathers. May it serve as inspiration and insight into the true meaning of science fiction cinema, and perhaps present some last minute gift ideas.

And now, our list, presented in alphabetical order (only because we didn’t want any hate mail from you Kubrick-loving creeps when you saw that we would have placed 2001 at number 24 or something close to it…)

2001: A Space Odyssey:
R- We wanted to avoid using this movie in our list, a kind of fuck-off to all the film snobbery going on in this world of ours, but we decided to stick with the PB&J of the Genre. I like monkeys in movies, and this is still by far the king of all monkey movies (besides Planet of the Apes).

L- If you never read the book and just saw the movie, and actually think the movie is brilliant, then that pretty much proves you’re full of shit. LOL!

12 Monkeys
R- Speaking of Monkeys. We got 12 right here in this wonderful adaptation of some abscure french film that bored me to tears back in the 90’s. I prentended to like it at the time, in hopes that I would understand it, but I still find it incredibly dull and painful to sit through.

Abott and Costello Go To The Moon
R – Oh those crazy guys are at it again, flying to Mardi Gras and thinking it was Mars or the Moon (someplace not of this world) and then learn that Mars has hot and horny women when they jump into their rocket ship a second time. To tell you the truth, it has been about ten years since I have seen this movie, but the faint memories still make me chuckle. Hey Abbbbooootttttttt!

The Abyss
R- This is one of my favorite movies of all time. I think it was a mix between the scale of production, boobies, and the “knew this was one way ticket, love you wife” jazz; that made this movie what it is, in my heart.

Alien
L- What’s better than Sigourney Weaver in nothing but a tank top and white cotton panties? Ms. Weaver in cotton panties *after* running around a hot, sweaty space ship for two hours. And no, that isn’t meant to be gross. It’s real life, and that what this movie is. The fantastic elements of a giant space monster and a big old space ship don’t disguise the fact that this movie is terrifying, and it represents the human condition better than most movies in any genre.

R- The first time I watched this film, the soundtrack was broken for the first 10 minutes of the movie, it was terrifying without the soundtrack. I am not sure where I was going with that story, but there you go.

Alien Nation
R- “Dem aliens get all drunk off of stale milk. har har har”

Aliens
L- Evil Corporations (yawn), aliens (yippee), more ripley in tank top action (double yippeee), and Bill Paxton screaming “Game over man!”. Who could ask for more?

Alphaville
L- I could say this movie made it because it is Godard’s ode to free will, love, and the power of the conscience to elevate the individual to unforeseen heights, but really, the computer voice narrator guy is pretty cool.

The Black Hole
R- I had to fight hard to get this movie listed. I figure our three readers would appreciate the fact that this movie made it on our list. One of the few movies from my childhood that stands the test of time.

Blade Runner
R- Robots, robots, and more robots. Will Holden’s murderer ever be caught?

L- Sean Young’s most gripping, heart-felt role, truly displaying her versatility as an actress.

Brazil
R- Brazil, Brazil, Brazil. Your criterion collection has three versions of you. I now forget which one was the original. Ohhh you tricky girl, Brazil.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind
R- Dooo, dooo, doooo, doo, dooooooooo.

Dark City
R- Have you ever wondered where your keys went, that you just sat down on the coffee table? This movie may not answer that question, but it could give you a few theories to work off of.

Fifth Element
R- The sixth element is love. GAG!

L- Multipass! Multipass! Anyway, we never said this list was about fantastic acting.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers
R- I remember pointing at a friend and screetching like an alien from this movie. He didn’t understand. I still laugh through most of this movie. I don’t know why I find it funny, and I don’t want to find out.

The Last Starfighter
R- After watching this movie, a went to my local arcade and tried to do my best in order to be taken up on a spaceship and save all the galaxy from alien bad guys. Too bad the game was double dragon, and I could only get past the first level on one quarter. Sigh.

Lifeforce
R- I remember renting this movie for mastrabatory reference as a teenager, it wasn’t until later in my developement that I loved this movie for it’s brains as well as its tits.

Metropolis
L- Metropolis is a lot like Honus Wagner. He wasn’t the greatest baseball player to ever live. Sure, he’s in the Hall of Fame, but is he the first person you think of when you think of baseball? You might get to him after about, what, a hundred, a hundred fifty names? But for some reason, his baseball card has forever enjoyed mythical status as the priciest collectable in the hobby. And no one can tell you why, except to say that it’s old and rare and if you find one in halfway decent shape, you’re holding on to a priceless gem. What position did he play? What was his lifetime batting average? What is this movie about? And does anyone care?

R- And we all know what it’s like to have a Honus Wagner. **raises eybrows**

Pi
L- This movie was made for only a few thousand dollars and the one drum and bass CD Darren could find for the soundtrack.

R- Maybe next time they will add some cash and add a plot that can be followed by mere mortals.

Pitch Black
R- I hate, HATE, HAAAAATE, the Vinmyster, but I liked him in this movie. Now if he would stop riding elephants around in his back yard, and stop playing D&D maybe he can work on expanding his one sided career.

L- Elephants and D&D? Where do I sign up? And although I personally liked the sequel even better, this movie pretty much nailed the sci-fi horror genre. Pow!

Plan 9 From Outer Space
R- What do you do when plans 1 – 8 fail? Tha’ts easy! Go forward to plan 9- FROM OUTER SPACE!

Planet of the Apes
R- Way to go you damn dirty apes, you made our list.

L- omg u guys! we were so on earth this whole time! lol!!!1

Rollerball
R- I still think the party scene is one of the best scenes ever recorded to film. The rich shooting lasers at trees? Hell fucking yeah.

Sleeper
R- I wish I could make something 5% as good as this movie.

Soylent Green
R- Just in case you haven’t heard, Soylent Green is made of people. Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone.

The Terminator
R- He said he would be back, and he was….two more times.

L- Alas, Arnold’s first role where he didn’t have to take off his shirt. Until he was shot and he had to take off his shirt.

The Day The Earth Stood Still
R- If the earth stood still wouldn’t we all fly off of it at super sonic speeds?

They Live
R- Roddy Piper, Sun Glasses that show you the truth, the worst fight scene in movie history, and ugly ass republicans from another planet. Who could ask for more?

THX-1138
L- George Lucas’ first feature length film was also a short he made in film school. It is my personal favorite, and is a perfect commentary on our consumerist culture and our tendencies to trade our independence for comfort and sedation. The irony that he then defined the blockbuster movie genre with Star Wars and made billions off of merchandising isn’t lost on us.
And why aren’t those films on this list? Check the Science FANTASY top ten we do next month. *eyeroll*

R- Yawn. I let this movie make it on the list in hopes that They Live and Rollerball could go on without much difficulty. Don’t tell lord magic.

Tron
R- The internet! It’s made of people

Our crack squad of spies have revealed to us an exclusive screenshot of the upcoming Gears of War update.  It looks like it will be a third race, of dorky clowns.  Watch out Dom, the clown has the spritzer bottle!

Ok, you got us. It is a fake, a dream of sorts. What would you add to this wonderful game full of holes?

Despite the fact that the computer lab uses iMacs, let us stand and praise the first attractive new architecture constructed in Boston in about 30 years. It’s grand opening is December 10th.
Here’s a favorite feature of SHSIBAE:
(Okay, just me, but I am sure the rest of us would like it if they were awake.)

Staring straight down into the water as you are trying to unplug (reboot) your iMac during yet another system crash seems like an amazing idea. Hopefully it doesn’t suffer the curse of other Boston projects (Big Dig; John Hancock Tower; Bill Walton) by having some major structural flaws. I had the privilege, or should I say masturbatory experience, of having Scofidio as a professor, and I am proud that he actually built something that… well, that he actually BUILT something, for one, and that it isn’t completely an abstract metaphor.

-l

Bout to ask for a game for a XMAS present and I have narrowed my choices down to these three, based on my current mood and interests:

Caesar 4
Sid Meier’s Pirates!
Star Trek: Legacy

And as alternates I also am considering:

Neverwinter Nights 2
Elder Scrolls 4

All for the PC. Tune in tomorrow to find out which game I select!

So. The Christmas missile is headed right for us and is closing quick. If you look at the night sky you may be able to make out the faint glow of twinkle lights in the distance. We have less than 21 days left before it slams into our hearts and minds and causes us to commit horrible acts of good will and cheer. There is no place to hide from it’s fallout. We are all doomed.

The Christians will be the first to crawl out of the dust from the impact, building baby Jesus houses and rubbing it in that they have the most popular holiday on the planet. Then the TV stations will be over-run with run of the mill xmas specials, teaching us those valuable life lessons that we can only learn from a sitcom. Finally, the drunks will saddle up to the bar and drink like it is any other day. The only difference will be, the first one will be free. A gift from your bartender, because you both know it’s gonna be a long night. Piss will land on your shoe, excess drink will fall from the corner of your mouth and drip onto your leg, and the kitchen is going to close early, so order those nachos asap.

Whatever it is that you do, during this season of holidays and cheer. Do it with some fucking style and passion, you have the rest of the year to half ass it, make this month something they will all talk about long after the ule logs ashes have been dumped out back by where you burried the family dog.

-the redouter

Not to steal the redouter’s thunder and lightning, but I wanted to throw in a nice Christmas gift item for… well, for me, actually. It’s the popular bluetooth retro handset from ThinkGeek.

And really, to hell with those fancy Locutus of Borg headset things. I’d rather kick it old school.

Next up on my holiday gift guide is something for that cat in your life. Feel guilty while you are blitzed on holiday cheer, while your cat just sits on your tv and judges you? Get your little furry bastard something that will knock his socks off. That’s right, the kitty cohiba catnip cigar will bring you closer this holiday season.

-r

For the next few weeks I will be slinging out suggestions of stuff to get that hard to buy for Geek or Dork in your life. First up is a great dvd called “The Digital Fireplace”.

Fire building is made simple with this great dvd collection. No cheesy music, just the sounds of wood popping and crackling. This DVD has four different loops to choose from: Roaring Fire, Romantic Fire, Smoldering Embers, and a lame loop that loops all of the content. There is just something soothing, even though it lacks the smell of wood burning, about having soft music play and your living room lit with the flicker of virtual flames.

So if you live in the city and would like to roast your chestnuts over an open fire, buy a hotplate and put it on top of your tv while you relax to your high res virtual fire.

-r

I don’t know about you, but there is nothing more draining than traveling cross-country during the holiday season.  I decided to share with you some tricks and tips to prepare for this big holiday season.  Unfortunately I have no advice to help out with getting cheap airfare, if you don’t like the price of flight, there is always the bus, or the conference call on xmas morning to all your loved ones.

1.    Always bring a scarf and hat with you.  Always expect the unexpected.  If you need a pillow in a pinch, you can always create one from the scarf stuffed into your hat.  The scarf also makes a great blindfold if the cabin of your aircraft gets to sunny.

2.    If you get stuck in the first row of coach, and you don’t want to part with your carry on luggage; you can always hide the bag between your legs and throw your jacket over our knees to conceal your precious cargo.

3.    If you are a smoker, look for the nearest FOX Sports bar and grill at your terminal.  For some reason, they have become the only in terminal smoking area in most major airports.   They only allow smoking if you are seated at the bar, if they catch you standing, they will tell you to put it out.

4.    If you plan on traveling with your laptop, and have that latest and greatest dvd to watch on the plane, I suggest that you rip that dvd to a file (like divx, or mpeg4).  You can even just copy over the video ts folders from the disc to your hard drive and manually open the file through your dvd player.

5.    If you plan on buying food to bring onto the plane, don’t bring fast food with you.  That big mac and fries may smell good at first, but once you get the green light from the flight attendant to chow down, it will be a cold and start to smell like garbage.  That smell will not go away for the duration of the flight.

6.    Bring headphones, even if you don’t own anything to plug them in to.  This can get you out of awkward conversations with people you really do not want to make small talk with.  You can also plug them into the seats of most aircraft and listen to the free music.

7.    If you have an isle seat and plan on sleeping during your flight, just tell the flight attendant that you wish to not be disturbed.  I know I hate being poked awake for my free can of coke.

I wish I had a cure for kids kicking your seat, and the other uncontrolled inconveniences for your trip, but sometimes you just have to take it.  Deep breathing and counting are still the best remedy for air rage.

Welcome back, everyone! It was refreshing to see everyone at SHSIBAE take a well deserved 10-12+ day vacation. Normally our offices here on the 39th floor here at Rockefeller Center in New York City are teeming with people hard at work from sunrise to well after dark.

I saw The Fountain.  You may remember our two big picks not only for this year but for the next several decades (The Fountain and Pan’s Labyrinth). We had extremely high expectations for Darren’s newest offering. How could the maker of Pi let me down?

Well, he didn’t necessarily let me down, but he didn’t really blow me away either. I am actually not sure what I saw. The movie wasn’t as complex as expected–in fact it was fairly straight forward. The visuals were stunning, and no one doubted that. Rachel’s acting was excellent. Hugh’s character was largely annoying, but that isn’t what did the movie in.

Like I said, it didn’t fail. The NYTimes has a review which says it best, which mirrors the thoughts of our own theredouter, perhaps this will be a movie that will have a small cult following in the future, a small group of people who either forgive the shortcomings or think the entire movie is brilliant. What do I think? I’m not sure. And that’s the problem. I think I enjoyed the movie, but he didn’t set out to make a movie I would enjoy while on vacation. He set out to make a sci-fi epic. He set out to blow me away.  I guess I’ll have to go back and watch Pi again to get that effect.

We still have high hopes for Pan’s Labyrinth.