Segway into a Segway, segway segway segway.

4 AM. Most people are dreaming of sugar plumbs or about getting a back rub by their long dead grandmother (what? Don’t tell me I am the only one who has theses dreams). Our great editor decides to call me with my next assignment, “Hey, I think it would be cool if you write something about the Segway. Ok, Bye!”

Just a personal note, I loathe the Segway. Maybe it’s because I have never had the opportunity to Segway joust, or the smug look on peoples faces when they cruise around seattle on one.

Not knowing much about the system, I went to the website. My eyes were drawn to the build your own Segway button. I clicked, and clicked some more, outfitting my puny accessory free Segway into an Off road Police Segway, with police lights and siren, a hard case, comfort mats, side cargo sports kit, and an off-board charger (whatever the hell that is) all for a total of $7,454.65!

A little bit of saliva dripped from my mouth when a vision of me riding my Segway down the streets of Seattle blasting Danger Zone from Top Gun danced around in my overactive imaginationtron 6000. I would have to paint teeth on it, and custom build a cow catcher for the front, and if I had enough time attach a harpoon gun to the side cargo sports kit to make it a true deathwagon, but according to the U.N. any vehicle operated by the Redouter will automatically be named (you guessed it) “Deathwagon 1”.

My next question is, “how fast do these motherfuckers go?”

Page 21 on their .PDF file states that I can get this puppy up to 12.5 Miles Per Hour, that’s 20 KPH for those of you who are living in a more civilized culture. That’s right, you can match the speed of someone running by simply leaning forward. I would have to figure out a way to add nitrus to the fucker and enter the Underground Segway Drag Racing Circuit.

The batteries will have to be upgraded as well, 24 miles per charge aint going to do shit, when I am chasing down evildoers and occasional prostitute down the street.

After all is said and done, I think my dreamway will cost around $15,000 and ten souls of Mormon babies. I’m sorry, but Plucky wont ride in anything that is not baptized in the tears and blood of Mormon babies. What Plucky wants, plucky gets.

All right already! You want a post? I’ll give you a goddamned post.

Ok.  Let me just finish off the last of my coffee and then wash that down with one pint of piss and another pint of vinegar and then I will get to my assignment, you slave driving bastard of an editor, you.

Frank Miller has recently announced that his nearing completion of his 200 page batman graphic novel epic, Batman vs. Osama.  Super heroes fighting the foes of America has been an old tradition, but for some reason The Dark Knight vs. a 65-year-old man seems pretty ridiculous.

What tools will the Batman use to find Osama that the U.S. government hasn’t already implemented?  Will he fight him face to face or will he drop a Bat Bunker Buster?  Will Osama be beefed up with some sort of supernatural abilities provided to him by Allah himself?  Will it be interesting enough to fill the rumored 200 pages of content?

The title of the graphic novel is to be “Holy Terror, Batman!” according to the New York Post.  I guess the story takes place in Gotham City, which has been overrun with al-Qaeda soldiers.  I hope that it goes beyond Gotham, that he takes the fight to Afghanistan (Afghanistwhere?  Didn’t we done blowns it up with our freedom bombs?), and that Osama is really the Joker or better yet the Penguin (quack quack).

Will I buy it?  Yes.  I am a sucker for this kind of shit, and I loved the Dark Knight graphic novel.  Will I buy the story?  Probably, since it is a work of fiction and it is using the war on terror to sell copies of it.  Might as well make money off it, everyone else is.

-the redouter.

T-Shirt for sale! NOT!

My colleague here at SHSIBAE has just sent me a link to a t-shirt for sale at Sak’s Fifth Avenue that really presents one of the underlying problems the advent of metrosexuality and is by extension a social critique on the current state of American Culture. Yes, all rolled into one t-shirt. One $175US t-shirt.

Here’s a simple, new rule:  If you want to wear a video game t-shirt, maybe try to at least play the game first, or be familiar with it. And also, maybe don’t spend more than $30 on it. You can spend a lot less, but I understand if you want something nice, maybe something fitted and American made.
For shits and giggles, I was going to find another Mario t-shirt, one that someone with an actual brain, albeit less cash, would purchase. But nay! Here’s a hooded sweatshirt you can have, for only $20!

Lost 3.whatever, maybe I don’t care at this point

Lost, I have not watched yet the last episode of the year. It sits patiently on my DVR box waiting to reveal the answers and give me enough so that I remain interested yet not enough that I don’t return in 2007. Because that is really what it is going to take to keep me around. You need to show me something. This relationship needs to be a two way street–I can only go on so long before I, too, feel like I am just part of some mind game experiment. Your lack of respect for me is evident, and it is appalling.

Ironically, and luckily for you, I saw BORAT this weekend and got that fulfilment that you haven’t been able to provide for several episodes now.  Thank you Borat!